Trader Joe's Daily

2/8/2011: Tahitian Vanilla Caramels

I was never a fan of dark chocolate when I was younger, and I still have trouble accepting that I like it now. Other things I disliked as a child that I LOVE now include:

• Bagels
• All Nuts and Nut products
• Cheese including Cottage Cheese but excluding Cream Cheese
• Sweet Potatoes
• Onions
• Red Peppers
• Oatmeal

Seriously, the start of any meal I cook is usually onions and red peppers sauteed in olive oil. I used to pick these things out of my food. I started liking nuts when I did low carb diets. I don’t know when bagels became okay, but I only eat non-Trader Joe’s bagels occasionally because I don’t want a typical 500 calorie NY bagel. Cheese entered my life through Atkins. Cottage cheese entered my life on some other crazy diet. Listen, I’ve done alot of diets, but that was before I understood healthy eating. Oatmeal saved me one summer when I was in college and had no money and found like a 40 pack of oatmeal in the trash room. Is that sad?

Back to the candy.

Tahitian Vanilla Caramels are fucking awesome. They are the kind of candy that is so delicious that you won’t eat it all because you’d rather your palate get cleansed so you can taste them all over again later. Maybe you don’t think of it like that. They taste like really delicious brownie batter, like you broke into a fancy bakery and stole batter instead of money or even the pre-made goods. They are delicious whether you suck off the chocolate first or just chew it. Go buy them now, you are welcome.

2/7/2011: ME WANT CHOCOLATE

I went to the gym at 4:00pm and ran my all-time best, 3 miles in 24:12. I am trying to get down to 24:00, so I am very close. Once I complete this I will set some new arbitrary fitness goal to stay motivated.

I walked over to Trader Joe’s immediately after, still sweating profusely. TJs was crowded with an abundance of elderly women. Why 4:45pm, elderly women? WHY ARE YOU BLOCKING ME FROM THE SAMPLE STATION?

The free sample, which they rarely have out for me to sample when I usually go at 9pm, was tiny cups of soup with oyster crackers. I pushed over an old lady and got a cup of the Organic Red Pepper and Tomato soup (might not be the actual name but my capitalization makes you think it is right?) The first thing it did was remind me to go get some Parmesan cheese which I have forgotten to buy the past month, since this soup desperately needed it. I immediately disliked it but obviously kept eating it, and by the end I decided I did like it and bought it.

I really wanted chocolate because, as all advertisers know, women love chocolate.  First I got chocolate in the Peanut butter cup (!) trail mix I bought, which I knew I would have to immediately separate into individual serving bags when I got home. Trail mix is the kind of thing where you eat what seems like a bit and suddenly you are like “Hh I ate a cup!” and then you are like “Holy shit that is 800 calories.” Like I’ve said, I am not calorie cray cray, but I am conscious I guess. I don’t mind eating 800 calories of something but I don’t want it to be a snack of stupid nuts I’d rather it be pizza or 8 glasses of wine. I think that makes me sensible.

Then I looped back around and picked up the GREEK YOGURT that was finally in stock. But sadly for greek yogurt, cottage cheese is in the picture right now so its going to have to live in my fridge, unopened, until I finish that. I get grossed out eating dairy a few days after I’ve opened it, so once I open it I’ve make a commitment.

After waiting on the longest line ever, I spotted tiny bags of candy which I wanted. I grabbed the “Tahitian Vanilla Caramels” because I was not interested in the mint one. I need to write a review.

2/6/2011: Maybe it is just grocery stores…or food

Saturday night I was supposed to meet my friends at a bar, as my friend has just graduated from pastry school. I was still hungover from drinking too much Charles Shaw the night before, and angry about having to function in public.

As I walked a few blocks from the subway to the bar, I decided to take a detour to de-anger-fy before interacting with humans. I walked down to the Whole Foods on E. Houston Street, and decided that I would require a salad and 20 minutes of stare into space time while I ate it.

I went over to the salad bar and looked at the 3 bars of options for me to put on my salad. I got lettuce and pulled white meat chicken because I am boring, but I put a bit of curried carrots on top because I am rebellious, meaning I took the risk of smelling like curry (since it tends to stick with you) before going to a crowded bar.

My salad was delicious, and there was live entertainent in the dining area in the form of me watching a lady drink an entire carton of orange juice to her face in the 15 minutes I sat there.

It did put me in a good mood, and then I was able to be relatively pleasant. Drawn your own conclusions.

2/5/2011: Trader Joe’s Cottage Cheese is GROSS

This isn’t a special product, it’s just a general Trader Joe’s version of a regular product. Cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese more than most people because I like lean protein as more than just a friend. Give me cottage cheese and a tsp of fruit preserves, anyday. I might be eating that exactly right now.

The Trader Joe’s cottage cheese, however, is not delicious. I don’t know how or why, but it is slimey. So we have a food where it did take me a long time to get over the chunks, that now has chunks and slime. No amount of jam can fix this. I find it depressing because if there is no GREEK YOGURT I would replace it with cottage cheese as my breakfast protein. But alas, not from Trader Joes. Go to a regular store and get  1% Friendship Cottage Cheese, (Whipped, if possible) and thank me later. Don’t get the kinds with fruit mixed in, they are a mistake.

Holy shit.

So I got these frozen croissants that I have been staring at for a few weeks in the freezer at Trader Joe’s. I literally stare at every product, regardless of the likehood that I am going to buy it, except the pet foot because that would be like going to a strip club and choosing to stare at the 90 year old janitor. (Note: This janitor is not a silver fox; he looks like a less jacked Popeye)

About me: I love croissants. I wouldn’t say I love alot of foods. I annoyingly say “I LOVE BIG SALADS!” but usually only in my head and sometimes outloud while I’m crying while eating one alone out of a serving bowl. But when I started working freelance, I would go to Starbucks near my apartment to do work while jazzed on caffeine. Getting a warmed up (so many Starbucks don’t offer this to me) croissant made my life complete, or at least made me feel better that I was writing the content for a company website, and literally did not understand what the products being offered were.

I’ve always wanted to make my own croissants (and I mean make the dough…cutting up a roll of tollhouse cookie dough is not baking cookies) but I don’t have time to do that shit. I mean, maybe I do. I wish I had a segway but the top of the segway was like a tiny treadmill - that way I could move around my apartment or stay stationary but still be walking while making croissants, so I’d be working out. Sometimes I do pushups while waiting for stuff to finish in the microwave.

I also brushed egg on top to make them shiny, because I am awesome. I didn’t use a brush I used my fingers.

Croissant Pros:

• Looks even more awesome IRL than the pictue on the box. Someone fire that food stylist. It looks like a croissant you might buy at your neighborhood Au Bon Pain.

Croissant Cons:

• You have to let the dough proof (rise) unrefridgerated overnight on a buttered bakng sheet. I don’t have those, I use pieces of foil because I am a pathtic level of cheap. Anyway, unrefridgerated dough makes me nervous. I also let it proof in the off oven because while I haven’t seen a roach in the past 6 months (and even then I was convinced we only had one) who knows, I live in a  Brooklyn apartment. I dont want roaches on my croissants. 
•  I don’t think about what I want for breakfast 9 hours in advance so these will have to be special occasion breakfasts.
• They tasted a little too yeasty. They also smelled yeasty. Maybe I fucked them up somehow, I’ll let you know if I get ill. I also wasn’t crazy about the taste of the chocolate. I also ate it like as soon as it was cool enough to not scauld my mouth so maybe I should have waited longer.

In conclusion, I would serve them to people to look capable, and I would probably make them again even though they weren’t that good because I feel pretty full and it left an interesting aftertaste that will keep my appetite in check for the next few hours. Is that a strange way to live life?

2/4/2011: Wine-y

I’m having a pizza party tonight, because that’s what adults do on Friday nights.

Actually, I’m having my friends over to eat pizza before we go to dance at the museum of natural history. That’s what adults do?

So, being a good host, I decided I would stock up on some wine and where else would I go to get it but Trader Joe’s.

I went to the gym in Manhattan, and walked to the Trader Joe’s wine store in Union Sq. It was about 4pm but it was bumpin’. I grabbed a cart (I needed one) and immediately went over to the wall of Charles Shaw. I’m sorry, but if I’m in a wine store an buying $3 wine is an option AND that wine happens to be drinkable, I am not looking at anything else. I don’t understand who would. I got 6 bottles of wine because I was having 6 friends over and while that may not seem like enough because there would be 7 of us, rest assured one of my friends also brought a few bottles…of Charles Shaw.

I also picked up the 6 bottle wine tote, which made carrying the wine to the subway convenient, and then made it obvious to a friend I ran into that I was having a party and didn’t invite her, or that I am an alcoholic.

2/3/2011: I’m onto you

I went to Trader Joe’s tonight after the gym to pick up a few things (I have friends coming to town) and to get more coffee, since I drink a canister a week. To be fair, I work from home so I eat most meals at home and drink coffee at home in the morning.

I’ve always been a fan of the Trader Joe’s —

(I had to take a break too google the exact name of the coffee type from TJs I drink and I still can’t find it, even on this http://www.traderjoes.com/pdf/guides/guide-coffee-brochure.pdf. I have this coffee in the kitchen but I just cannot get motivated to get up and go look. I will do it soon, and you will never know how long it actually took me. Oh, now I can’t because my roommate that I dont know - we’ve lived together for a year and never had a conversation - is in the kitchen and I am uncomfortable.)

2 days later note: It’s Joe’s Dark

The point is, think of the cheapest coffee they had. It was 3.99, it was a dark roast, it was pretty delicious, and now they are charging 4.49. Well, why bother! I might as well just get the 4.99 Sumatra coffee guilt free. Do other people notice price changes like this, or am I legitimately mental? The fact that I saw it and was completely outraged was I guess funny in retrospect, but I am glad I have a place where I can freely bitch about it other than the group chat with my friends on BBM.

ALSO - THERE WAS NO FUCKING GREEK YOGURT. I bought a Fage because I can’t stand eating other breakfasts.

2/2/2011: I told you I don’t go EVERY day

I dont have time to go to TJs today because I work 3 jobs (long story), am crazier about going to the gym, and wanted to see people I used to have a crush on even though I guess I’m in love.

I went to a show at the UCB theatre, where I used to take classes and perform improv, to see Craig Rowin’s show. This is the guy who created a series of youtube videos asking millionaires for a million dollars, and then posting a video that he succeeded. Obviously I wanted to see this check in person and also see every teacher I had a crush on (all of them).

The show itself was alright, just strange enough to entertain me albeit it had awkward moments. There was a raffle to win a macbook pro and obviously the stranger sitting right next to me won, even though I desperately need a computer. I feel like if there is a God he does stuff like that alot to me specially to make himself laugh. I like to wag a finger at the sky, where God obviously lives, and say ‘Oh, you’ with a cocked eye.

Anyway the show was a hoax so that guy didnt really win. I don’t feel better.

I got home and had th TJs guiltless mac and cheese I was excited about yesterday. It tasted like lean cuisine mac and cheese, so if you like that congratulations, you found a substitute that is half the price. I probably won’t buy it again, since I like to save my refined carbs for candy.

2/1/2011: WHERE’S MY DAMN GREEK YOGURT?

After a particularly ambitious gym visit, I went over to TJs because it is a block away. If I go to Trader Joe’s everyday, then I must…

I walked in the doors and immediately made eye contact with the security guard. I wonder if someone tried to steal bagels on the way out (not me of course) would he vault over the 5ft bagel shelf or actually go out the other door?

I immediately went over the bananas, which were back in stock. Bananas are 1/3 of my favorite breakfast concoction, and the bodega on the corner’s banana prices change depending on how slutty I look (really). I like to know I’m going to get a deal for sure, without losing my dignity.

I got some salad, since I eat an entire bag a day and I do so in one sitting. That’s what I do when I’m not at Trader Joe’s. Also, everyone can stop worrying because peas were back in stock. But you know what wasn’t? Greek yogurt. They had the mini containers of Fage but I don’t want that over priced stuff (29 cents more! thats 1.5 bananas) I like the TJs one. Greek yogurt is 1/3 of my favorite breakfast concoction. I went back down the frozen aisle and noticed hiding in that back there was a “Reduced Guilt” Mac and Cheese. I have never seen this before and I am excited. I will let you know.

I went to the registers and stared at everyone checking out. Then I started checking out this one cashier. I doubt he will become my Trader Joe’s love interest, because me having a crush on someone means I will avoid making eye contact or speaking.

As I got to the front of the line, there was a small old woman in front of me with a cane resting on a cart that contained a single greek yogurt (it was the Fage). She randomly started walking to a register and the line director guy (not the same from yesterday) abruptly grabs her cart and actually yells at her, “It’s not your turn! It’s my job to tell you went you are supposed to go!”

Honestly, I am not someone who is easily horrified and usually when other people are in trouble, I laugh quietly. But this lady was really old and looked confused and I was sad that he yelled her. I stared at him angrily, and when it was her turn he tried to cover it by being sweet and calling her Miss. But seriously what a dick. You tell people what register to go to, you really need to have a power trip?

Dreams (or nightmares, depending how you look at it) do come true, because of the 20 open registers I was sent to my new TJs love interest. He asked me what type of bag I preferred and then wrote his phone number on it. 

Which of those things didn’t happen?

He wasn’t that friendly and I wondered if I was being standoffish (as I do), but alot of people talk to me at random times, so I think he was playing hard to get. As I paid with my credit card, I wondered if he would maybe do that creepy thing where the person who rings you up will then say “Have a good night (your name)!” because they read the credit card thing. I hate that so much.

Itemized 1/31

I’m not rotating this to fix it, its just too much work